Take This Swab and Shove It
Tim Gielow.
Posted here for January 17, 2022.

The road back home
The road back home

This was written by Tim Gielow who wishes to emphasize he is NOT anti-vax or anti-test in any way. The piece was intended to be a light-hearted spoof from a guy who has had many a swab shoved up his nose.

The year was 1977. Jimmy Carter had just been inaugurated as the 39th President of the United States. Fleetwood Mac released "Rumours" (which has sold 40 million copies to date). The Apple II and the Commodore PET personal computers were first sold. New York City blacked out for 25 hours. Djibouti and Vietnam joined the United Nations. Most importantly, "Three's Company," "Eight is Enough," "CHIPs," "The Love Boat," and "Soap" all made their TV debuts.

It was a time of discontent -- a time of social upheaval. Nothing captured the spirit of that year more than the song, "Take This Job and Shove It," sung by Johnny Paycheck (real name) and written by David Allan Coe. The song hit #1 on the Country charts for two weeks, and it tapped into the psyche of a disgruntled nation.

Fast forward 44 years, and the time has come for a remix. Cue the slide guitar!
Take this swab and shove it.
It just can't go in no more.
I try to tell 'em it just touched my cerebellum
And my medulla's feeling sore.
Ya better not try to call me a cynic
As I walk out the door of this Minute Clinic.
Take this swab and shove it.
I think it's stuck in there, fo sho.

I done quarantined in my own guest room
For nigh on fifteen days.
All that time I watched the Food Network
And now I make a nice bouillabaisse.
Can't get no rest; got to get my test.
Went online, what a joke!
There's a fly in the ointment, the closest open appointment
Is in downtown Holyoke!

Take this swab and shove it.
I ain't comin' here no more.
The "S" in CVS must certainly stand for "Stress"
And this swab feels like a two-by-four.
The Q-Tip makes its trip past the temporal lobe
And I'm dreaming of the Package Store.
So, take this swab and shove it.
My nasal passage can't take no more.

As the guy behind the glass sanitizes his pens,
I am praying for sweet immunogens.
I tried to pre-clear the path with an inhaler
When my modern day Vlad the Impaler
Says, "I dropped it. Let's do it again."

At this point, my poor sinus tunnel
Has had more traffic than "The Chunnel."
Now, I finally got the nerve to say:
Take this swab and shove it.
See how many fit in your butt.
Take off your disposable gown,
Shut this whole thing down.
And condemn this Covid-testing hut.

Lay down thy swabs, those nasal kebabs.
Let's avoid all this intrusive mess.
Cologuard rocks.
Why don't we just sneeze in a box,
And drop it off at UPS!