The Despicables Museum
Fred Gielow
The road back home.
"Welcome to Washington, DC, everyone, and welcome to the grand opening of the Despicables Museum. We believe it's important to remind ourselves how evil and despicable some human beings throughout history have been. Here in the museum, we show you the worst of the worst. These are the individuals who have most stained the reputation of the human race. We'll show you why we should always remember these individuals with disdain and utter contempt.
"This museum is a national treasure. It has been built at a cost of 357 million tax-payer dollars, and it's worth every dime of that amount. We have worked so hard for so many years and are so proud that we're able to open our doors today. And we're proud you're here to celebrate this grand opening with us. Welcome!
"This section where we're standing is the Grand Hall, and as you see, it's decorated with black paper bunting and no other objects. It's a most fitting decoration for a museum that focuses on the most disgusting human beings in the history of mankind.
"Now, if you'll follow along behind me, I'll show you the first exhibit room.
"Here we are. It's the Ronald Reagan Room. I apologize if the mention of his name nauseates you. If at any time during my presentation it becomes too uncomfortable for you, there are two "Recovery Rooms" located at the far end of the Grand Hall, and you're welcome to use them. We have soft pillows there in muted colors, your choice of eight channels of earphone music, several books of happy puppies to look at, and your choice of unsugarred doughnuts, yogurt, or Tylenol. And of course there's bottled water. There are also numerous Teddy bears you may embrace for as long as needed. Use as much Kleenex as you wish.
"The first exhibit in the Ronald Reagan Room is a depiction of him drinking blood. Many people do not know Reagan drank blood every day, at midnight, usually a 6-ounce glass of it. It was one of his rituals. He drank the blood for about ten minutes, as Nancy read devil-worship stories to him. Let's move now to the next exhibit.
"This exhibit shows a copy of his dreadful "Malaise" speech he gave on television to the American public. Such a spiteful and bitter man he was. No sense of humor whatsoever. Not an ounce of optimism in him. Disgraceful! Let's look at the next exhibit.
"Here we see a replica of the closet Reagan used at the White House to hang African Americans. Careful records were not taken of the actual number of blacks he hung, but estimates are between 13 and 21. Confidants said that when Tip O'Neill laughed at him or San Donaldson asked him a really tough question, he'd get mad and would ask an aid to find a homeless black man on the streets of Washington, DC and have him taken to this closet. Then, Reagan would laugh at the man, mimicking Tip O'Neill's laugh, and he'd ask him a couple of difficult questions, before the man was strung up. Reagan would remark, "None of you voted for me, so what difference does it make?"
"This next exhibit is the statue of Reagan that stood at the entrance of what used to be called "Reagan National Airport" just across the river from the Capitol. During "The Reagan Scourge," almost all statues of Reagan were destroyed, so we're lucky to have this rare specimen. You will note, however, that it has been severely burned and one arm has been torn away. As far as we know, there are no other surviving Reagan statues, just as there are no longer any buildings or streets in America with his name. I'm told that Reagan's name has been removed from all or almost all of the nation's text books. And for good reason! Let's move along now.
"In this exhibit, we have a video of starving people in a soup line. As you know, Reagan's policies resulted in severe economic hardship for the entire country. It was, after all, the "Great Reagan Depression." Millions starved to death and millions more were close to dying. Reagan never even admitted there was a depression, saying, "The whole thing is just a fabrication of the Washington Post.
"You see there are several other exhibits in this room, and you may come back and examine them at your leisure, but now let's move on to the next room. Please follow me.
"All right. Now, you're standing in the Donald Trump Room. Oh, I see several raised hands. I'll answer questions at the end of my . . . What's that? Oh, you need to go to a Recovery Room! Yes, of course! How many need to do that right now? Let's see . . . three . . . four . . . five . . . six . . . seven. All right, seven. Take as much time there as you need. Perhaps you can join us for questions and answers. If you need counseling, a professional is there to assist you, but we only have four counselors on staff, so some of you may have to wait.
"Yes, this is the Donald Trump Room and the first exhibit is his Russian birth certificate. This is not the original, but a copy. You'll note he was born in Serpukhov, which is just a short distance south of Moscow. And you'll note his name at birth was "Donovich Trumponski." This exhibit also contains the solemn oath he signed at the age of 12 to advance Russian objectives and be forever faithful to the Russian President. This is the original, and it includes supporting documentation stating it isn't a forgery. Let's take a look at the next exhibit. What? I beg your pardon? Oh, two more of you wish to visit a Recovery Room. Yes of course, you're excused.
"This next exhibit shows
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